Sunday, 24 May 2015

The last question

I receive numerous suggestions on what should I write which can help a gay to live a better life. Yesterday I received an email from a very humble stranger (Chetan) who shared a realization from his life. After receiving his email I called him and had a deep emotional conversation which helped me to create this blog.

He is a guy from a wealthy business family and his all his needs are met since childhood except one. It is his need of love. Do you know why? It is because it is not a need, it is a feeling. He asked his inner voice "Do you how does it feel like to be loved", his inner voice bluntly says no, what is that? He was surprised and looked at his past where he had fulfilled sex with most handsome guys in Delhi. He remembers and looks back at his college life when he spent endless night in gay parties with a different breed of men every time. He enjoyed the most with Jaat, Afghani, Kashmiri and Pakistanis. He had wholesome sex with north easterns, himachali and bengali too. He himself is a marwari guy. It was not only in past, he had a endless numbers in  his contact now too. However he was in dilemma in spite of availability of some many good looking men why does he feel emptiness of not being loved in his heart. 

Thinking about this weird question which came up first time in his life, his slept. Chetan founds himself amidst of football game in his school playground. The school's most handsome guy and arrogant guy is in the hold of football and not letting anyone from the other team to even touch it while he is chasing for a goal. Suddenly chetan's best friend Anil from the same team jumps over to take over the ball. He could not tolerate it and kicks the ball with his full force. In the meanwhile anil loses his balance and fells. The kick directly hits him in chest and lie flat on the ground. He was motionless and did not show any moment. Chetan was looking at all this from a distance and suddenly realizes that anil needs his help. He rushed to him however stopped by the coach and told that peon is taking him to the medical room, you need to concentrate on the ball. He said we can not afford to leave practice as the state tournament is going to be held next week. Chetan could not focus on game anymore because he had promised anil that he will be there for him whenever he needed him. 

After an hour practice was over and he rushed to medical where the incharge informed her that there had been intense pain in anil's chest and his parents have been informed and they must be reaching soon. Anil's dad came and took him to the nearest hospital where he was put in observation for another 24 hours. The do doctor's informed the parents that it is the case of cardiac malfunction and he will not be able to play football for next one year and needs complete bed rest for next 3 months. It meant lot to chetan. He used to share all emotions with anil since no one at his home had time to talk to him. Dad was busy with new business expansions and mom had divorced dad 5 years back and living separately. Anil was a great emotional support to him all the time. He shared all his feelings with him. He stayed at hospital with Anil for next 7 days.

A short attendance notice from school is received at chetan's home and unfortunately the delivery gets received by Chetan's dad. Dad calls and asks him why was he absconding from school since last 7 days. Chetan honestly tells him the whole story. Dad says "I do not pay your school fee so that you can take care of your friends, I did not earn a rupee without draining my sweat. If you do not wish to work with my rules you can leave my house and stay with your mother". Something moves inside chetan and he feels a strong urge to prove himself to the people who had hurt him. He makes a strict schedule for himself. He felt as if he needs to prove his worth to dad and also to the arrogant guy who had hurt Anil. 

He started regularly attending the classes and started spending 3 hours daily at the gym. He wanted to build muscles and a huge body so that he could defeat that arrogant guy. He forced himself so much into the schedule that he often forgets to visit anil at the hospital. Anil was also not able to reply to his emotional talks due to his bad health. Gradually chetan focused himself on being the most desired guy in the school. He completely forgets about the promise he made to anil. Due to going to gym his body had taken a great and muscular shape now. Many good looking guys offered him to have physical pleasure with them. He got so much engrossed in having sex with them that he forgets about emotional fulfillment, emotions getting no way out started sinking in, may be somewhere deeper where they could not be heard anymore. 

 Suddenly Chetan opened his eyes and he looks at the wall clock, it was 4 in the morning and he had a bad dream. A dream that had some reality hidden in the past. He feels he was living someone Else's life. He goes to the mirror and inner voice starts to talk to him,

"Do I have to be someone else in order to feel accepted by society? "

"Am I living an image of an man which my father always wanted me to be?"

"Do I crave for acceptance when I meet new handsome hunks?"

"If those hunks do everything in bed that I want them to do, am I really accepted by them?"

"Where is that sensitive, caring and emotional chetan?"

"Am I being really loved and accepted for who I am ?"

"Why do I feel scared to tell my secrets to any of my people whom I call as friends?"

"If I be sensitive and loving towards any other guy, is it being girlish?"

"Do I also have to take care of matching the image of manhood in the society? "

"Why do I always need to judge guys for their body type and dick size?"

"Why cant I love everyone for who they are?"

"Why can't I attract friends who love and accept me for who I am?"

"Why do I feel rejected even after having wholesome fulfilling sex whole night?"

"Why cant I live my life being myself?"

Chetan never told me anything that happened after the last question. But I am sure you certainly know the answer somewhere deep inside you.