Releasing guilty and fear/A real case study

Question:

I have got very normal life bt very abnormal surrounding around me.
From my childhood I have seen my family people always fighting with each other. They love their children a lot for sure bt they care about their fightings the most. In my teenage I got involved into homosexual activity with one of my classmate.
After my 12th I shifted to Haldwani for my coaching of CA. After clearing it's entrance , I continued my coaching there only. Then someone came in my life one of my room mate in Haldwani came close to my heart. He used to care about me a lot, used to do everthng for me . After some tym he started liking me nd we both had little body ply. He wanted to go for anal but I refused. After sometym things got changed between us. He started ignoring me , used to fight wth me , sometimes he use to be normal. The. I shifted to Delhi . He just hates me now  and  I am trying to forget him from last one year bt I can't. Whenever I try to go in a relationship with either any boy or girl. His face use to appear in front of me.
I just want to move on . I want to concentrate on my career but I can't.
Kindly advice me what to do??
I will be very grateful to u.

Response and guidance provided:

Dear Beloved,

Thank you for writing to me. I can understand that you feel guilty for him whenever you wish to start a new relationship in your life. Since you were very close to him and shared lot of time with him you have been emotionally attached. This attachment has created a feeling of guilty of not being able to satisfy him or not being faithful to him. It may also be possible since you have seen lot of troublesome atmosphere at home, the blame feeling is prominent in your subconscious mind since childhood.

Now let me tell you something that connects with reality. Everyone is responsible for his own self. If you do not like to anal sex that is absolutely fine, he must respect your freewill and you have no compulsion to indulge in anal sex in order to make him happy. Relationship can only exist if both the partners accept each other and respect each others' free will. There is nothing that you have done wrong to him. You must not think that you are to be blamed if things do not go right any time, anywhere. You must release any guilt or blame for yourself.

You just have to release the guilt emotion from your subconscious mind. You can try this exercise. Close your eyes for 5 minutes, see his face in front of you and observe what emotions come to you, do not resist, just feel those emotions. You might feel bad and restless but do not worry they have come to the surface to get released. Now open your eyes go in front of the mirror and say the following statement looking into your eyes in the mirror. (say loudly). You can say them hindi or any of your mother tongue in which you understand yourself the most. (language which you have been speaking since your childhood)

1. I am responsible for myself only. Everyone is responsible for himself.

2. I truly forgive myself for blaming myself for his problem. I deeply and completely accept and love myself.

3. I am free to choose my own life.

4. I am accepted and loved for who I am.

5. I do not judge myself with whatever happened in the past.

6. I know how it feels like to live for myself without feeling guilty.

7. I know how it feels like to live in my daily life without being blamed.

You are free, trust that everything in your life is being taken care of. I wish you a great journey ahead. Please feel free to share your experience after doing this exercise.

Warm Regards,

Rahul Anand

Psychotherapist and counselor